Playing with the Grown-ups Read online

  'It will.' He smiled at her kindly. His eyes began to gleam and his face was vulpine. 'You know, I could set you up, give you everything you ever wanted. You'd have earrings that matched your eyes, and a flat in Belgravia. You wouldn't have to worry about anything. You should be looked after, have an easy life.'

  Kitty thought about it: no school, shopping at Joseph, long lunches on Sloane Street and the blind adoration of a buck-toothed dilettante with hairy hands. Her inner harlot, of whose existence she had been until now unaware, piped up in a horrid baby voice, which whistled through her head, 'You'd look lovely in sapphires and you'd never have to take the tube again.' Kitty was horrified, and prayed that the dark inner workings of her soul were not transparent. 'Go away,' she told her. The harlot disappeared in a sliver of scarlet satin with a pout.

  'Thank you, Romeo,' she said, 'but the thing is, prostitution has never been that appealing to me. I can see how it would be for some people, but I want to get married and have babies and have a garden.'

  He stroked her hair.

  'Ah. But you wouldn't be a prostitute, you'd be a mistress. There is a world of difference between the two.'

  'I don't think mistresses have very happy lives. I think they're probably very lonely.' It was an unimaginable conversation, and she felt worldly and morally upright, now the hoyden was gone.

  'You're a good girl,' he said. 'But oh! To romp with you, what fun that would be.'

  'I'm too old for you really, Romeo,' Kitty said, patting his arm, and she knew that this was true.

  Honor shot her a look.

  'What areyou talking to HIM about? I feel sick when we're with these people,' she whispered. 'It makes me feel awful. Everyone's looking at us. They think we're prostitutes.'

  'Stop being silly,' Kitty said. 'Of course they don't. Would you rather be at some stupid school party, drinking snakebites in the corner with a bunch of midgety boys? This is glamorous. I was talking about the importance of being a morally intact woman, for your information.'

  'Can we go, old man? I want to dance.' Charlie fixed her black eyes on Romeo and kicked Kitty under the table.

  'Kitty?' She heard Ruth's voice. 'Kitty you have to get up. Honor's gone to school. She did try to wake you. Oh God, what's that?' She stumbled on the bucket Kitty had thrown up in.

  Kitty froze in shame under Honor's Laura Ashley sheets.

  'I think I got food poisoning,' she said.

  'Well, you need to go home to your mother,' Ruth said. 'She's going to have to phone the school and tell them that you aren't well. I can't do that. Come on, poppet. Do you have any clean clothes?'

  'I can wear what I wore last night.' Kitty's voice sounded louder than usual. It sounded wrong in Honor's tidy room.

  'I'll give you a pair of Honor's jeans and a jumper. I've got the WI coming here for elevenses but Roy can give you a lift home.'

  'I can get the bus,' Kitty said.

  'No, at least let us do that. Why don't you have a quick shower?'

  She crept down the corridor in Honor's dressing gown. The sun was shining, the house smelled like Pledge and warm bread. She heard Ruth say in a loud angry voice from the kitchen, 'I can barely clean up my own children's vomit, let alone someone else's child's. She's meant to be at school. Where is the mother? What about the grandparents? This isn't right, Roy.' Kitty didn't want to hear Roy's response so she locked herself in the bathroom.

  'I bought you a bagel.' Roy passed her a tinfoil package. 'Radio One all right?'

  'Anything. Thank you so much for driving me home. You really don't have to. If you want to drop me off at the tube, that's fine.' She folded her arms over her chest.

  'Listen, Kitty, it's no problem. None. You're a blessing in disguise. I don't want to have to hide from the biddies from the WI -you've saved me. No problem, chook.' Kitty heard him call Honor this when he was affectionate.

  'What's wrong with you?' Nora said. 'Why aren't you at school?' She stood at the door with her arms crossed. She looked terrifymg.

  'I was staying with Honor and I threw up in the middle of the night, so her dad drove me home.' Kitty couldn't look Nora in the eye.

  'Well, why did you throw up?' Nora grabbed Kitty's chin in her hand.

  'I was ill,' she said.

  'Do you think I was born yesterday, Kitty Larsen? You were out. Jaysus, but you're a disgrace. And if you think I'm calling your school to say you're sick, you've got another think coming. I will not lie for you. I will not encourage this sort of thing. It's un-AC-CEPTABLDEO. I make myself clear?' Nora said, her voice low and quiet.

  'Yes,' Kitty said. 'I'm sorry.'

  'Well, I'm not sending you to school in that state.

  You look like a dog's dinner. You can sit there and don't speak to me for at least an hour, after which you're going to make me lunch, and then we're going to pick Sam and Violet up from school and take them to the park. Got it?'

  'Yes,' Kitty said.

  'Higher!' Violet said.

  'I can't push you any higher - my arms hurt.' Kitty felt like she was going to throw up again.

  'You have to. Nora says you have to play whatever we want.' Violet was unrepentant.

  'Fine,' Kitty said. 'Can we go in the tree house?' She thought about lying in the cool oak darkness, the sounds from the playground far below her.

  'No. Not today. Next we're going to go on the roundabout.'

  'As fast as the Concorde!' Sam shouted.

  On the park bench Nora looked up from her John le Carre book and sniggered.

  Kitty started to forget how bad she felt as they ran in the leaves, and Sam and Violet held her hands, and they asked her questions like she knew the answers.

  'Was it as bad as all that?' Nora patted her leg over the covers.

  'No,' she said. 'It was quite nice, except for the shouting, and the roundabout. I liked us all having supper together.'

  'I want to be able to trust you, Kitty; we didn't bring you up to lie.' Kitty wanted to embrace her, but she held back.

  'I know you didn't,' she said in a small voice. 'I do try to be good.'

  'Well, try harder,' Nora said, and kissed her softly on the forehead.

  Kitty saw Honor in the lunch queue.

  'Can you meet me outside the library after school?' she said. Her hair was done in a French plait, and Kitty knew Ruth had done it for her that morning, in the kitchen as they chatted, and it made her feel angry.

  'Of course. Do you want to go to Carnden?'

  'I can't today; I just need to talk to you.'

  'About what?' Butterflies began to bat their wings in Kitty's stomach.

  'I'll tell you when I see you.' Her voice was high and clear like her singing voice.

  Honor sat on the library steps, listening to her Walkman.

  'Hi,' Kitty said. 'What are you listening to?'

  'Desiree. Listen, we need to talk.' Honor was nervous, tracing circles on her tights with her clean baby nails.

  'What is it?' Kitty looked at her and saw her lip beginning to flutter.

  'This is not really a conversation I want to have, but um, I've thought about it, and I don't think I can be friends with you any more,' Honor said.

  Kitty took a step back.

  'Why? What have I done? Are you upset about Romeo and those girls? We don't have to go out with them again if you don't want to . . . What is it?'

  'It's bigger than that. It's sort of everything. It's not necessarily things you can help. I think, because of circumstances, it's beyond your control. It's like how you spend time with that weird woman who lives in a hotel, who you think is so glamorous, but really she's depressing, and how you actually like Romeo the Russian, and those girls.' Honor sounded robotic, like she was repeating something.

  'I don't understand what you mean!' School was empty, and it was getting dark.

  Honor stared down at her feet.

  'Do you not like me any more?' Kitty said.

  'I do - it's just - my parents don't want me to be friends with y
ou, they think you're a bad influence. They're really worried and upset, and I don't want to upset them any more. It's not your fault. I think we're interested in very different things, I think you'd agree.'

  'We like the same things,' Kitty said. 'We both like reading and going out . . . We talk about everything.'

  'You're making this difficult. My parents think your mother is irresponsible.'

  'Your parents don't even know my mother. They don't know anything about her!'

  'Kitty, it's obvious. They don't need to know her. Your house is not normal.'

  'What's normal? It's completely normal. Maybe not compared to your house but yours is extraordinarily normal. Why are you being so judgemental?'

  'I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to tell you it's not going to work.'

  'I feel like you're breaking up with me. I still don't understand what I've done wrong.'

  Honor started to cry.

  'Please, Kitty. You haven't done anything wrong. We're not the same. I feel bad about myself when we go out and do the things we do. It used to be fun when we just went to the cinema, and you stayed the night, and we went to the market. It's not fun any more.'

  'So should I ignore you when I see you, and that's it? Should I forget we were friends?'

  'I don't know,' Honor said. She hid her face in her hands. 'I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.'

  'I think you're boring,' Kitty said, 'and I think your parents are really boring. My other friends are far more adventurous then you, anyway. I'll have much more fun without worrying about you sitting there glowering at me all the time, making me feel self-conscious. Don't worry about it. I'll see you around. And by the way, Candy thinks you sound really prim and dull, and I have far better conversations with her than I ever have with you: proper adult conversations, and we laugh about your stupid boring life and how often you wash your hair!'

  'Kitty, please!' Honor said as Kitty ran.

  Outside school she kicked the bus stop so hard her heel came off and fire shot up her leg.

  'Fuck you, Honor!' Kitty said at the top of her voice.

  'Language!' the lollipop lady on the other side of the road muttered, thrusting her eyes at Kitty through the dark. 'Language!'

  'Oh leave me alone,' Kitty said.

  She hobbled up the hill, looking as dignified as she could, with her skirt flying up in the wind, as flimsy as a handkerchief, one crippled patent stiletto tapping an angry war march against the cold pavement.

  Kitty interrupts Violet and Sam who are shouting at each other.

  'Do you mind if I lie down for twenty minutes before we go? I can't move all of a sudden. I promise I'll be twenty minutes.'

  'It's fine,' Sam says. 'We're in no urgent rush to go -we're bonding.'

  Violet half smiles, but decides against it. Instead she nods, pointing her elegant little foot in the direction of Sam's balls. She narrowly misses.

  'Oh for God's sake,' Kitty says.

  Her mother's bed is soft, and there are many layers of sheets, blankets and duvet. Through the window she sees the Thames moving in the dark, as though it has breath. Kitty presses herself between blanket and duvet. Next to the bed is a photograph of Marina, young and laughing, in the orchard at Hay, with Kitty gazing up at her and Sam and Violet crawling in muslin nappies, out of the frame. Kitty doesn't remember who took it, but she recalls the feeling of the sun on her face, and how her mother laughed when she told her she was going to build a tree house and live at Hay until she was very old, at least fifty-three.

  'But what about your husband, little Magpie? And your babies?' her mother said, stroking her hair out of her eyes. 'What about what they want?'

  'They're just going to have to like trees,' Kitty had answered.

  'And Bestemarna and Bestepapa,' her mother said. 'Don't forget them.'

  Chapter Ten

  She was at Alice's Wonderland with Tommy. Jake and Con Brown were half with them. They were Tommy's friends from tutorial college, cousins who she felt merely tolerated her presence because of Tommy. Kitty was in love with Jake.

  She told Tommy this and he said very seriously, 'Jake's a real fuck-up, Kit, and he's weak.'

  He didn't look weak. He looked like a film star. He was broody and silent. She felt maybe if she tried hard enough she could make him fall in love with her.

  Her mother had called her earlier to find out where she was.

  'Oh my God,' Kitty said. 'You're so neurotic. I'll be home at one, OK?'

  'You're at Wondering Alice's though, yes?'

  'It's Alice's Wonderland, Mum. Yes, that's where I am.'

  Tommy and Kitty were standing by the bar doing shots. 'Playing with Knives' was vibrating from the speakers. She kept sneaking looks at Jake, who was chatting up a girl who looked like Kate Moss.

  Tommy was boring her with the story of the German girl who'd broken his heart. He always did this when he was drunk.

  'And so then she gave me the Leonard Cohen album . . .'

  'Yes,' Kitty said testily. Jake was getting the Kate Moss girl's phone number.

  'And then . . . Oh my God, I think your mother's just walked in.'

  Kitty burst out laughing, but she looked up and saw it was true.

  Her mother was standing at the top of the stairs with Naim and Ollie holding an elbow each. She was laughing. Her hair was in her eyes and she flicked it back with impatient hands. Every man in the room looked up, or so it felt, and looked again.

  'Oh my God! Mortification,' Kitty hissed at Tommy. 'Why is she here? I am so embarrassed.'

  Her mother saw them and walked slowly over.

  'Hi, Marina,' Kitty said. She didn't feel like calling her Mummy.

  'Hello, darling. I thought I'd drop in for a drink. Why don't you introduce me to your friends?'

  Con Brown leapt to attention.

  'How do you, Mrs Fitzgerald. I'm Con Brown. Can I get you a drink?'

  Suck-up, Kitty thought.

  'Actually, I'm not married. It's Larsen. Call me Marina. I'm too young to be a Mrs, don't you think?' She looked at him mockingly, and he seemed very young.

  Jake looked through her and mumbled, 'Jake,' then turned away lazily. Kitty loved him for it.

  Her mother stood in her Armani dress and they fought for her attention in droves. Whenever she reached for a cigarette a thousand lighters were flourished. Kitty sat sulking, and held her B & H which was bitterly unlit. Yet her mother was so funny that night, funny and alive, and everyone was so clearly entranced that Kitty was proud that she belonged to her.

  Looking straight at Con Brown her mother said, 'So -who can get me some coke?' Kitty looked at her incredulously and she shrugged, gave a throwaway smile.

  'I can handle that for you Mrs - Marina.' Con was sure and smooth and cocky all of a sudden. Kitty didn't know how he could possibly be related to Jake.

  'Yes, I thought you could,' her mother said.

  A look passed between them and Tommy elbowed Kitty. Watching it made her feel as though an army of ants was crawling in her skin.

  At 3 a.m. they went to the flat the Browns shared in Soho. Kitty had been there once before to an after-hours party. The flat was squalid. But tonight her mother cast her Lux glow on everything she touched. She made the flat look bohemian and intelligent.

  'What a sweet little flat,' she said generously.

  Con positively blushed under her gaze.

  'Oh well . . .' he said modestly.

  Kitty's mother followed her to the bathroom.

  'You don't mind, do you?' she asked Kitty anxiously as Kitty crouched over the loo seat.

  Kitty looked at the bath. That's where Jake lies naked, she thought in wonder.

  'What?' she said.

  'Do you mind?' Her mother said.

  'Oh. . . No; it's all right. I was just a bit surprised, that's all.'

  Kitty rubbed the eyeliner from under her eyes.

  'I like your friends,' her mother said.

  In the sitting room her mother racked out lin
es of coke expertly, chopping them like a surgeon, and everyone sat at her feet, the lost boys to her Wendy. Kitty couldn't take her eyes from her.

  Her mother did it so smoothly. Kitty waited for black hailstones to come pouring through the ceiling, but none did. The world didn't stop. Her mother passed the tray to her. Kitty bent over it, and Tommy grabbed her hair back as she leaned into it. She was glad the straw had only been up her mother's nose. It didn't seem sanitary sharing. She followed what her mother had done. The powder smelled acrid, like a household cleanser, something to get rid of rings round the bath, and it made her nose feel very empty inside.

  When Kitty was finished she looked up to see if her mother was staring. She wasn't. She was in the middle of a story, gesticulating and making Con laugh.

  'Thanks,' Kitty said, as she passed the tray on.

  No one stopped talking, so she thought she must have looked natural, and she was pleased for that. She took a sharp swig of her drink to make the chemical taste go away.

  Con fussed about her mother like an old maid. Dispensing drinks, offering omelettes, anything, anything just to keep her there, the only spark in that dark little room.

  Con's girlfriend Suzette didn't like it. She began to whine and rub up against him.

  'Con?' she said. 'Con, I'd like an omelette.'

  'Shut up, will you. I'm listening to a story.' He nudged her away from him.

  Her mother stood up.

  'Thank you for having me, but I really should go.'

  Kitty half stood, her eyes questioning.

  'I've got to go and see someone,' her mother said apologetically. 'You stay, have fun.'

  Kitty sat down heavily.

  'But do TRY to go to school tomorrow, darling.' Her mother kissed her goodbye.

  'Bye, Marina,' Kitty said casually.

  When she'd left the room, there was the sound of a collective exhale.

  'Your mother is a brilliant woman.' Con Brown smiled at Kitty for the second time in her life.

  'Yeah, I know.' She bathed in this reflective glory.

  'Yeah, I know.' She bathed in this reflective 'You look a bit like her. The eyes . . .'